The #1 Communication Skill Every Couple Needs (And How to Practice It)
- Kimberly Smiley
- Aug 12
- 6 min read
Why This Matters
Ever had a conversation with your partner where you thought you were crystal clear… only to discover later you weren’t even talking about the same thing? Maybe you assumed they understood your point of view, or they assumed you knew exactly what they meant. Either way, you ended up feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or even hurt.
The truth is, one of the biggest reasons couples miscommunicate isn’t because they don’t talk enough—it’s because they rely on assumptions instead of confirmation.
That’s where clarifying questions come in.
This one simple skill has the power to completely transform your conversations. It bridges the gap between what you think your partner means and what they’re actually trying to say. It prevents little misunderstandings from spiraling into bigger arguments. And it’s one of the fastest ways to deepen trust, improve connection, and resolve disagreements before they become full-blown conflicts.
In this post, we’ll break down exactly what clarifying questions are, why they’re so effective, and how you can start using them today to strengthen your relationship—whether you’re preparing for marriage, newly married, or simply wanting to communicate better.
What Are Clarifying Questions (And Why They’re a Game-Changer)?
Clarifying questions are intentional questions you ask to make sure you fully understand what your partner means—before you respond, react, or make a decision. They’re the pause between hearing something and assuming you know exactly what was meant.
Think of them as a bridge.
On one side is what your partner says.
On the other side is what you hear and interpret.
Clarifying questions make sure the bridge is sturdy, so nothing gets lost—or twisted—on the way across.
A Simple Example
Let’s say your partner says,
“I wish we had more time together.”
Without clarification, you might assume they want a long vacation, more date nights, or less time with friends. But if you ask a clarifying question—
“When you say more time together, what would that look like for you?”—you might learn they’re craving 15 minutes of coffee together in the morning or an uninterrupted walk after dinner.
Why They Work
They prevent assumptions. So many arguments happen because one person assumed they knew what the other meant.
They slow down emotional reactions. When you ask a question before responding, you give yourself space to listen rather than jump in defensively.
They build trust. Your partner sees you’re genuinely invested in understanding them, not just winning the conversation.
They improve connection. Over time, this habit creates a culture of curiosity and respect in your relationship.
The Research Connection
John Gottman, one of the most well-respected marriage researchers, often talks about the importance of “turning toward” your partner in small moments. Clarifying questions are one of the simplest ways to turn toward instead of away—they show your partner, “I hear you, and I want to get it right.”
Common Miscommunication Traps Clarifying Questions Solve
Even couples who feel “really good” about their communication fall into these traps from time to time. The good news? Clarifying questions can help you sidestep every single one of them.
Trap #1: Assuming you know what they mean
We all do it—your partner starts talking, and halfway through, you’re already finishing their sentence in your head. The problem? Your version of the ending may not match theirs at all. Clarifying questions stop this by replacing assumption with confirmation.
Trap #2: Listening to respond, not to understand
Sometimes we’re so focused on what we want to say next that we’re not truly absorbing what our partner is saying. Asking a clarifying question forces you to slow down and listen to understand first.
Trap #3: Letting emotion cloud interpretation
When a topic is sensitive, emotions can distort meaning. A statement about a budget might feel like a criticism. A comment about family might feel like rejection. Clarifying questions act like a filter, helping you check the intended meaning before reacting emotionally.
Trap #4: Interpreting through your own perspective
We all have unique experiences, values, and communication styles. Without clarifying, we tend to hear our partner’s words through our lens—not theirs. A well-placed question helps you understand the context behind their words.
By avoiding these traps, you’re not just improving conversations—you’re creating a habit that makes your partner feel heard, valued, and safe to share openly.
How to Practice Clarifying Questions in Real Life
Knowing about clarifying questions is one thing—actually using them in your everyday conversations is where the magic happens. Here’s how to make it a natural part of your communication:
Step 1: Pause before responding
When your partner finishes speaking, resist the urge to jump in with your thoughts right away. Take a breath, make eye contact, and give their words a moment to sink in.
Step 2: Use curiosity language
Start with phrases that open the door for understanding:
“Help me understand what you mean when you say…”
“When you mention ___, can you tell me more about that?”
“What would that look like for you?”
Step 3: Reflect back key words
Repeat important phrases your partner used to show you’re tracking with them and to check accuracy:
“So when you say ‘more quality time,’ you’re thinking about…”
Step 4: Ask for examples
Abstract concepts can mean different things to different people. Ask for specific scenarios:
“Can you give me an example of what that would look like in our week?”
Step 5: Keep your tone safe and warm
A clarifying question asked with sarcasm, defensiveness, or frustration can make your partner shut down. Your tone matters as much as the question itself.
Step 6: Practice outside of conflict
Don’t just save this skill for arguments—use it during everyday chats about dinner plans, future vacations, or weekend activities. Practicing in neutral moments makes it second nature when conversations get tense.
By practicing these steps consistently, you’ll start to notice fewer misunderstandings, smoother problem-solving, and more of those “Yes! You get me” moments.
Common Mistakes to Avoid
Like any relationship skill, clarifying questions can backfire if they’re used in the wrong way. Here are the most common pitfalls—and how to avoid them:
Mistake #1: Turning clarifying questions into an interrogation
Asking rapid-fire questions can make your partner feel like they’re under a spotlight instead of in a safe, open conversation.
Tip: Limit yourself to one or two thoughtful clarifying questions at a time, and let the discussion flow naturally.
Mistake #2: Using a defensive or sarcastic tone
Even the best question can be received poorly if your tone sounds accusatory or mocking.
Tip: Keep your voice warm, curious, and genuinely interested.
Mistake #3: Over-questioning to the point of derailing the conversation
If every sentence gets a clarifying question, the conversation can lose momentum.
Tip: Use them when there’s potential for misunderstanding or when the topic feels important—not for every minor detail.
Mistake #4: Only using clarifying questions during conflict
If you save this skill for arguments, your partner might associate it with tension.
Tip: Practice in everyday situations so it feels natural and supportive.
Mistake #5: Asking but not actually listening to the answer
A clarifying question only works if you genuinely hear and absorb the response.
Tip: Focus fully on your partner’s words, and resist the urge to mentally plan your next reply.
When used well, clarifying questions are one of the simplest, most impactful tools to strengthen communication. Used poorly, they can feel like cross-examination. The goal is to create understanding, not defensiveness.
Practice Exercise for Couples
You don’t need a big, heavy conversation to start practicing clarifying questions. In fact, the best way to master this skill is to use it in low-pressure moments first. Here’s a simple, three-part exercise you can try this week:
Step 1: Choose a lighthearted topic
Pick something fun and non-controversial, like:
“Describe your ideal weekend.”
“If we could go anywhere for our next trip, where would it be?”
“What’s your favorite memory of us from the past year?”
Step 2: Ask clarifying questions
As your partner shares, use 2–3 clarifying questions to better understand their perspective:
“When you say relaxing, what kinds of things do you picture us doing?”
“When you say you loved that trip, what made it so special for you?”
Step 3: Reflect back and confirm
End by summarizing what you heard:
“So your ideal weekend would be sleeping in, going for a hike, and ordering pizza—did I get that right?”
Why it works: Practicing in these lighter conversations helps you build the habit so it feels natural during more sensitive discussions. Over time, you’ll notice fewer misunderstandings and more moments of feeling truly understood.
Conclusion: The Relationship Upgrade
Clarifying questions may seem small, but their impact is anything but. They keep conversations from derailing, help you truly hear each other, and build a relationship where both partners feel understood and valued. Over time, this habit strengthens trust, reduces conflict, and deepens your emotional connection.
The beauty of clarifying questions is that they work for every couple—whether you’re newly engaged, newly married, or decades into your relationship. And the best part? You can start practicing them today.
Because great communication isn’t about talking more—it’s about understanding better.
If you’re ready to take your conversations even further, I’ve created a resource that makes it easy. The Top 10 Conversations for Engaged Couples gives you the exact topics and prompts to spark meaningful discussions about the things that matter most—before you walk down the aisle.
It’s also the perfect opportunity to practice your clarifying questions in real time, so you’re not just having important conversations—you’re building the skills that will help those conversations go deeper and smoother for years to come.
📥 Grab your copy of The Top 10 Conversations for Engaged Couples here and start building the kind of communication that lasts a lifetime.
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